Mother shares her story after losing son to suicide
CAPE GIRARDEAU, Mo. (KBSI) – A southeast Missouri mother shares her story four years after losing her son to suicide.
This comes as local counseling centers share new information about crisis incidents at local schools and where parents can turn for help.
Tamatha Crowson says if her son could hear her today, she would tell him, “how much I love him and how proud I was of him and still am.”
Crowson shares stories about her son Blake, a witty and super smart kid from pre-school. She says he was a deep thinker and gifted percussionist.
“His soul was made of drumsticks. I feel that was his passion,” she said. “He started when he was in 7th grade and got to high school and really excelled. In fact, his band teacher sent me an email in his 7th or 8th grade year and told me that Blake had the potential to be the best percussionist ever to come through Cape Central High School. And he’d been teaching for 17 years.”
She says he was kind, with a big heart, driven, responsible and well-liked. Blake was 18 years old with everything to live for, she says, when he took his own life.
“There was nothing that made me believe he was at risk,” she said. “It was a real shock and mystery.”
He had finished his senior year, preparing to graduate, awarded a full ride scholarship to Southeast Missouri State University, all culminating at the beginning of the COVID pandemic.
“He had been marching with a drum corps,” she said. “Very intricate and detailed, big audition and competition. He had marched with one group in the summer and then another and then the corps canceled their season — and that really affected him. COVID really affected him and he felt isolated.”
She says he complained of having trouble sleeping and eating, but further long term signs Blake was struggling, if any, were subtle.
“He was starting to become distracted,” Crowson said. “He would forget things a lot. I was always having to remind him of things. It was frustrating for me because I knew he was capable of so much more and I had no idea what was going on. Now looking back I feel like he was suffering from depression and we didn’t catch it because he was so outwardly fine.”
She says a couple of days before his death he had a text conversation with his ex-girlfriend. He told her he was a horrible person and he described ways he considered ending his life.
Then, she says minutes before his suicide he texted his brother, Evan. Blake told him he loved him and he was the best brother ever – something out of the blue to Evan that grabbed his attention.
Moments before, his ex says she texted him too. He replied, “You’re too late.”
Tamatha also says he’d cleaned out his room and his bank account. All his money was in his wallet.
“I can only think it was to make it easier for everyone,” said Tamatha.
She remembers the last time she saw him.
“The last time I saw him he was leaving for work,” she said. “He seemed fine. He worked at McDonalds and he said something like ‘I’ll see you later Mom. I love you.’ Evan, who is his brother. He came to me about ten o’clock. ‘Mom, something’s going on.’ We had life 360. He said ‘His car’s been here for a couple of minutes and it hasn’t moved.’ So I sent him a text and said, ‘Hey this is Mom. Call me right now.’”
They went out to look for him, but he was already gone.
“I could literally feel my brain being harmed by the trauma,” said Crowson. “To sit there and wait for somebody to tell you your child is dead is the worst feeling in the world and I couldn’t make time go any faster. To this day it’s been four years. I feel confused over it. It’s a very hard space to be in, to acknowledge and accept that your child no longer exists.”
She believes a thread on Instagram in the days before he took his life may have triggered him. He’d share about six months earlier that he had thoughts about his death, but the idea she says was and is still surreal.
“He was really good at hiding,” Crowson said. “I think some of the signs were almost nonexistent really.”
She says she’s learned teenagers are fragile and she shares this message for other parents:
“I would say pay close attention to everything your child says. Even if you think it’s not on their radar or possible,” she said. “There’s no such thing as over parenting. Honest conversations are necessary because I didn’t see it coming. Nobody did.”
Crowson says she had gotten through the pain thanks to a strong support system and her motivation to help improve others’ lives. She stays busy as a bootcamp instructor and life coach. She frequently travels and has a large circle of friends.
“There are still some days when I wonder how am I going to go through the rest of my life feeling like this and then that moment has become another moment and a day and then a year,” she said. “People say, ‘Wow you’re so strong. I don’t know how you do it.’ I say, ‘It’s not strength. You don’t have a choice.’”
Now she finds peace looking at a tattoo inspired by a similar one Blake designed and had on his hand. The word “breathe,” one he requested with slight imperfections in the lettering.
“Just take a breath,” she said. “You don’t have to be perfect, but there’s beauty in the imperfect.”
If you are in crisis, dial 988, the suicide crisis line.
Tap the links below for more resources to prevent suicide.
Best Practices and Recommendations for Reporting on Suicide
“Youth Suicide: Current Trends and the Path to Prevention”
5 ways to help teens overcome suicidal thoughts
Nationwide Children’s Hospital: Youth Suicide
Action for Children: My child is having suicidal thoughts
How to talk to your child about suicide: An age-by-age guide
